The Play

When will I stop listening for the gunshot on March 19? When will I be able to leave the house without asking myself, if I’d stayed home that day would he still be alive? If I’d just told him I love you that morning would it have been enough to tip the balance? Why did I hesitate that day when I so often added those words? When will I relinquish the magical thought that doing it differently this year would bring about a different outcome, and he’d re-emerge from his other dimension and join ours again? When will I be able to drive away from the house on March 19 without thinking I was causing his death over again, abandoning him again, complying with the script of history instead of fighting it, re-writing it, recreating it?

Like a late night re-run the morning passes and everything is old and familiar and predictable; I know the words and the actions, the schedule. And now he is heading to class. And now he is handing in his last paper. He’ll get an A. And now he’s returning home unexpectedly, instead of going to his on-campus job. And now he is gently taking down the family portrait from the kitchen wall and placing it in his back pack. He will be adding his gun to that bag soon. A gun we didn’t know he had, didn’t want to know. A gun he kept hidden from us but legal, documented, following all the rules of safety. And now he is driving to the lakefront and choosing his location. He will lie down on the levee in view of the water, out of site of the houses. He will listen to the water and the birds one last time. He will breathe in the smell of spring grass and dust, oyster shells and fish. He will turn his face to the sun and feel the warmth, closing his eyes to savor the last moments of life. Then he will turn his right shoulder towards the ground and with his right hand pressing his gun against his heart he will squeeze the trigger and muffle the shot with his body, not wanting anyone to see his wound if they walked by.

A neighbor will hear the shot and call her friend who lives across the street from us. I think someone just shot himself on the levee near my house. I’ve called the police. I wonder who it is. And soon afterwards our neighbor will see a car pull up in front of our house and two plain clothes policemen will walk up the path to our door. Mal will be doing the dishes. I will answer the door. Does Malcolm villarrubia live here? My husband or my son? Your son. When was the last time you saw your son? Do you have id? Mal it’s the police asking about Malcolm.

They’ll come in then and we’ll sit down at the kitchen table. Is Malcolm in trouble? Ma’am your son is dead…we found his body…

And the air will be sucked out of the room and someone will be screaming I don’t understand over and over but in a soft voice – the screaming going on inside her head. Then the script will take over and we will be actors in a drama we would never audition for, and cannot remember the words to. But somehow we will move from one scene to the next, lip syncing while someone speaks our lines for us and someone else rearranges the set. Now the funeral parlor, now the house again, and then the chapel at Jesuit and someone is lowered into the ground.

I wish the play were over and we could go back to normal but someone is asking me to move closer. I don’t want to move closer I don’t like burials. Is this someone we know well, everybody here looks familiar. And then there is a party at our house. Where’s Malcolm, he should be here if we’re having a party? Why is James in town shouldn’t he be at school? Then everyone leaves and the play seems to be over but no one has told us how to exit. We are left on stage with the empty theatre and echoes of the last scene. What do we do now? I don’t know. Do we sleep? How can we sleep? It’s not our life any more it’s a play. Do we exist between the scenes – an R and G question? Will someone enter soon and give us our cues? And the floorboards in the darkened theatre creak in sympathetic tones as the lights slowly dim.

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5 responses to “The Play

  1. Joy Patwardhan

    I have no prayers. I am still screaming. But I thank you for crafting the words…the words that so closely express my feelings. It seems the only comfort I get, these past four months, is to read words…by someone who has experienced this horrendous type of loss. “The air was sucked out”…when you heard the words of the police. I experienced that feeling too, as I lifted the plastic bag off my dead son’s head.
    Somehow we must carry on. We have duties to others in the family.
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    • My heart hurts for your heart. A mother should never have to bear such pain. Scream and scream again, in your room, in your car. Scream until you have no breath left and then weep for your son and for yourself. I am so sorry that we share this pain – you are not alone.

  2. Dear Mona,
    I just read your profile and this post….I am so very sorry about the suicide of your son Malcolm. It has been a backburner fear of mine ever since my son was diagnosed with bipolar 3 1/2 years ago…..I hope your current book certainly does morph into a book on Hope. Mary knows exactly how you feel.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Blessings on your son.

      • Helen Barnett

        Dear Mona, I was led here by a facebook link, then another link… to read about grief and mourning. We met a long time ago brought together by our concern for children. VOTF was becoming a reality.

        I send my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family on the loss of your beautiful son, Malcolm. There is no way to understand why these things happen. As you say above, one must meander through grief and mourning. With God’s grace you will find a way to use this experience to help others and, hopefully, gain some measure of peace.

        My prayers go with you.
        Helen

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