Even as I begin to write I am filled with trepidation, because I adamantly don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” or “everything works out for the best.” I don’t believe that God has a Plan and that we are just acting out a pre-written script. There is no sense to these notions in the face of the abuse of children, natural disasters, plagues, evil and injustice.
But as I prepare to say goodbye to a colleague, I must admit to having had a revelation of sorts. Then as I re-read a posting from May 27, 2008 (see below) I realised I had felt this way for a while.
I held a baby at work today. A co-worker had his infant son with him. The baby began crying and I held him and stroked his face and hummed, and he took his pacifier and was content. He relaxed and then he slept in my arms. It was such a joy to hold that child; I wasn’t helping a co-worker I was helping me. I felt my heart heal, if only a little, and I felt a joy that I haven’t been able to feel all year. New life is such a grace, such a sign of hope. It was OK that I had to hand him back because in laying my hand on his face somehow God had laid her hand on my heart.
Billy was hired within a few months of Malcolm’s death. He was right out of college and I got to watch him grow into his first professional position. The next year he became a dad and I got to babysit a little.
I am not saying that God sent Billy into my life, but I’m saying that looking back I see how Billy helped me to heal. I have been able to mother him a little and that felt good. And then I was able to mother his baby a little, too.
Now he is leaving and it hurts. But I am aware of the gift that he has been in my life, and I wanted to acknowledge that. Is it God closing a door and opening a window? No! God wasn’t responsible for Malcolm’s death; God didn’t close that door. But maybe God has been trying to help me let go.
I have cried a lot in the last couple of weeks as I worked on a photo collage and memory book. I have been angry that I was having to lose a “son” all over again. But I’ll be ok. I am more ready now than I was three years ago to let go. And Porp has a new baby, and James is coming to Flint Creek. There is a lot to be thankful for. And maybe, just maybe, God has been with me all along.